A Whole New Edward
by fluffily
Summary: Edward becomes a female for one full day as a punishment from his family for what he did to their cars. What happens? Read and find out! T just in case....
1. Change

A/N: I know, this is so cruel to Edward and more than a little awkward

**A/N: I know, this is so cruel to Edward and more than a little awkward. Actually, I wonder if anyone threw up while reading this. I'm glad I don't own the Twilight series when it comes to this…. Please, no hate mail.**

**Edward's POV: **I snuck out to where the cars of all of my family members were parked with various cans of spray paint and a sledge-hammer. I felt a little bad about what I was about to do, but that wasn't going to stop me. They were all out hunting, so I was safe.

I quickly pulled out a bright shade of pink spray paint and turned on Emmet's beloved Jeep. I laughed under my breath and quickly gave it the worst possible paint job. I did the same to all of the others; Rosalie's car was purple and hot pink, Alice's car was black, and Carlisle's car was diarrhea green.

I then took the sledge-hammer to all of them. They all looked like they belonged in a landfill when I was done. I smiled to myself while I evaluated my work.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!!" I heard my family all scream in unison from behind me. I spun around, grinning widely.

"What? I just gave them a little makeover. Don't you like it?"

"NO!!" They screamed in unison again.

I faked a devastated expression. "Oh no!"

"YOU WILL PAY EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!!" Rosalie screamed. She pictured various gruesome ways of killing me in her mind. I chuckled.

Alice shut her eyes, quickly blocking her thoughts. So did the rest of the family. She opened her eyes a few moments later and smiled devilishly at me. I narrowed my eyes and backed away, a little scared.

"Oh, he'll pay," she snickered.

"Um, guys… it was just a joke. No need to do anything rash," I said nervously as they all circled me. Emmet tackled me to the ground, and Alice danced up with a bunch of steel chains, enough that even I wouldn't be able to escape them.

When I was chained to the ground, they walked into the forest to discuss something. They went far enough that I couldn't hear their thoughts. Up until then, they blocked their thoughts. I struggled to free myself.

They finally came back, all of them smiling evilly. Emmet shook with silent laughter.

"What's going on?" I asked, my voice shaking a little.

"We know a little trick vampires can use on other vampires. Congratulations. You'll be the first recorded victim of it."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to get something from their minds. They all continued to block me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I know you didn't do anything to me, but you hurt Alice's car, so I should punish you along with her. Out of loyalty, you know. Esme feels the same way."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??" I screamed.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I really am. Even you probably don't deserve this kind of torture," Jasper sighed.

I didn't respond. Instead, I focused on trying to escape my bonds. The attempts were futile. The whole family surrounded me. Their eyes were intense. I somehow knew that what was about to happen was something that I'd regret for the rest of my existence.

I lost consciousness.

When I woke up, I felt odd. And not just a little. I'd never felt the way I did then before.

"What happened?" I groaned. I froze. My voice… it was… feminine. I was a girl. I WAS GOING TO KILL THEM!!


	2. Pink

APOV: I giggled and pulled Edward up to her feet

**APOV: **I giggled and pulled Edward up to her feet. Her hair was long and straight, the same bronze color as usual, and her facial features were pretty much the same as usual, only femininized. She was almost prettier than Rose.

"Okay guys, she's awake. Now we need to decide a name other than Edward for her to go by. I mean, Edward is so obviously a boy's name."

She looked fairly sickened by it all. "What… happened?" she gasped.

I giggled. "You're a girl."

"I realize that, dammit!"

Emmet shook with silent laughter. "Let's call _her _Melody." He put extra emphasis on the word her.

"No!" she screamed.

"Maybe we should explain to her first," Esme suggested, avoiding looking at the fuming Edward.

"HER?!"

"Um… well… yeah, Edward. Duh," Rose said with a triumphant smile on her face.

"Yes. Let's explain," I agreed.

"What the hell-" Edward began furiously. I cut her off.

"Shut up and we'll explain."

She shut her mouth and gritted her teeth angrily. "Fine. Please, go on."

"Thank you. As I'm sure you've already noticed, you are female. It won't last forever, though, if you do as we tell you. Are you willing to follow our directions?"

"That depends entirely on what it is you expect me to do. If it involves Bella, I refuse. I won't go anywhere near her as long as I'm like this."

"Oh no, we don't expect you to see Bella like this. But we do expect you to allow Rose and me to dress you, give you a makeover, and take you shopping."

Her face went even paler than it already had been. She was almost transparent. "I… but… why…."

"We control when you change back, _Melody._"

She growled, but I had already had a vision. She would give in sooner than we'd hoped.

"Fine," she said crisply. I smiled and jumped up and down with excitement.

"Yay! Yay yay yay yay yay yay!"

"I hate you."

I grabbed her by the hand and dragged her upstairs. "Come _on! _You can't go shopping while wearing boys' clothes. We need to get you some undergarments, too."

"NO!!"

"You don't have a choice."

If she could have cried, she probably would have. As it was, she was obviously fighting back the urge to strangle me.

Rose joined us and we ran into my room at a vampire speed. "Okay, Rose. We need to figure out what color will look best on her."

"Umm…. Maybe pink?" Edward/Melody interrupted.

"What?!" we both screamed in unison.


	3. A Vision of Shopping

There was a lot of laughter coming from downstairs

There was a lot of laughter coming from downstairs. Edward ducked her head in embarrassment. "I don't know… I guess it's sort of a girl thing. I like pink."

Rosalie was rolling on the floor, clutching her sides. I was about ready to join her.

"Will you two just shut the hell up?!"

"Y-yeah. Sure, Melody."

"QUIT CALLING ME THAT!"

"What are we supposed to call you, then?"

"Um…." She looked away and refused to answer.

"Aw, come on. Tell us," I begged while Rose continued to writhe on the floor.

"Absolutely not."

"Do you want to return to normal or not?"

She pursed her lips before answering. "Give me a while to work up to it."

"Hah! You already know what you want to be called, so all you have to do is say it!"

"I can live with Melody. It's only for… wait, how long will this last?"

"If you behave, it will only last twenty-four hours. If you don't…" Rosalie said, having finally calmed down.

"I'll behave," she promised wearily. "Can we please just get this over with?"

Rose grinned. "I'm thinking sparkly lip gloss and a light shade of pink blush."

"Oh! And some very light pink eye shadow with a little bit of glitter. And then she can choose an outfit," I agreed. Edward didn't object.

"Like I said, let's just get this over with."

Suddenly, I was having a vision. Edward/Melody was jumping up and down excitedly while clapping her hands. "I love shopping!" she screamed.

I backed away from the vision, cutting it short, more than a little disturbed. Edward stared, disbelieving, at me.

"Ugh," she moaned.

"Aw, at least we know you'll enjoy it," I giggled.

"What what what?!" Rosalie screamed excitedly.

"Melody will really enjoy the shopping trip. More than we would have expected."

Rose giggled and eyed Edward, probably trying to picture her doing that, from the growl Edward issued.

"Just tell me what outfit to wear," she hissed.

"Okay!" I handed her the girliest possible outfit.

"It's not pink," she muttered.

More laughs were heard resounding through the house.

**A/N: For once, we can all be glad that I don't own the Twilight series. And since I've been getting a lot of suggestions for making Edward/Melody visit Bella, I think that will be next. I bet we all can't wait for the horrible awkwardness…. Just as soon as I get more reviews. )**


	4. Meet Bella

A/N: I still don't own anything, thank god

**A/N: I still don't own anything, thank god. This chappie is dedicated to Chi Cullen, who gave me an excellent idea for their little visit to the mall, as well as all of you who suggested that they should meet Bella. It is also dedicated to all of my awesome reviewers. You guys rock!**

"Get over it," Rose snapped.

She glared at both of us before sulking into the bathroom across the hall to change. We looked at each other. "Do you think she'll need help with the undergarments?" I asked.

"No. This might get pretty entertaining," Rose replied.

It was. There were plenty of snarls, growls, and profanities coming from across the hall before they finally died down and Edward stomped back into the room. I squealed. "You look great!"

She rolled her eyes and pushed a few strands of hair from her eyes. "This hair is so annoying. How the hell do you people manage to keep it from going all over the place?"

Rose and I exchanged a glance and tried to hold back the frenzied fit of giggles that followed.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"You… actually… care… what… your… hair… looks… like!" I gasped.

"Yeah, and right now, I hate it! Will you please help me do something about it?"

"Sure," we said in unison.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

When we were done with Edward, she was beautiful. Her hair was curled and there was glitter in it to match the outfit we had given her.

"I can't say I'm too mad at you right now. I actually kind of like it. But I'll hate you tomorrow when I'm normal again and none of you let me forget anything that happened today."

"You're right. We won't."

"Jerks. But seriously, can we, like, go to the mall now?"

"Ha! You're talking just like a girl, Melody!" Jasper screamed from downstairs.

"Naturally," she hissed.

"Yes, we can," I said, ignoring the little exchange and trying to hold back more maniacal laughter.

"Awesome!" she screamed. She realized how feminine she was acting and immediately froze, eyeing the floor like it was the most fascinating thing on the planet.

"Um…. I'll pretend I didn't see that, and we'll go," Rose muttered.

The three of us headed downstairs quickly, hoping to avoid a confrontation from the family. We didn't.

"Aw, you look great!" Emmet jeered. Edward gave him a very feminine death-glare. I had never felt so close to my brother/sister.

"Back off, Emmet. The teasing starts in twenty-four hours," Esme snapped, still avoiding Edward's gaze.

"That makes me feel a lot better," Edward said sarcastically, glaring at everyone in the room before stalking out the front door. We followed her quickly.

"Come on, we're taking my car," I said enthusiastically. Edward was obviously excited, but trying not to be too bouncy and hyper. We were never going to let him live this down.

When we were all inside my shiny yellow Porsche, I took off driving at least a hundred miles above the speed limit. "You can still read minds, right?" I asked Edward.

"Yes. I hate my family right now. Their thoughts were really very obscene."

"Oh, do tell!" I begged, distracted.

"Oh, most of them were thinking that maybe now Bella and I are… lesbians. As well as other things that I won't tell you no matter how hard you try to convince me."

"Well, technically…" I started. A death glare from Edward shut me up, though. Rose laughed, making no move to restrain it. Edward growled.

"Shut up or you will regret it."

"Careful, Rose. You made the little lesbian mad."

"You will both get it when this is over. But right now… I don't want to mess up my hair." Rose and I burst into a fit of giggles.

"Are we almost there? We're going at almost two hundred miles an hour! I should think we could get there faster…."

"Calm down. We'll be there in less than five minutes."

"Yeah, but will I live that long?"

"I hope so, because we need you to survive long enough to get our digs in when you're normal," Rose said matter-of-factly.

Edward groaned, but she perked up as soon as the mall came into view. "I don't get it. Usually the sight of a mall sends shivers down my spine."

"It's normal behavior for females," I explained. She jumped out of the car as soon as I turned it off. The two of us climbed out, eyeing her to make sure she didn't bolt towards the doors as soon as we looked away.

She bounded ahead several yards. I turned to follow her when a flash of worn out red metal caught my eye. I pulled Rosalie over to me and pointed at it. Bella's truck. Edward hadn't noticed, and if we were lucky, she'd remain in the dark. I blocked my thoughts, not that Edward would really be listening. Rose did the same.

"What is she doing here? Wow, I can't wait to see what she does when she sees 'Melody.'"

"I know. We have to make sure she meets her," I whispered.

"Hurry up!" Edward called, unable to contain her excitement.

"We're coming!" we called, again in unison. That was getting a little scary.

We all ran into the mall, barely keeping a normal human pace. Bella was sifting through a few racks of blue jeans and plain tee-shirts. Silly Bella. I nudged Edward.

"Look over there. See anyone you recognize?"

"Crap! Shit! No! I have to hide!"

"No way. She won't know who you are. We promise not to let anything slip." I winked at Rose. She smiled and winked back.

"What's the story?" she asked, sounding nervous and annoyed.

"You are… um… a member of Tanya's clan who came to visit. You are good friends with Rose and I, and the Edward we all know is out hunting."

"Fine. Let's go."

"Hey, Bella!"

Bella spun around at the sound of my voice and waved, eyeing Edward curiously. The three of us walked over to her.

"Um… hi, Alice. Who's this?" She eyed Edward with a confused and slightly suspicious expression.

"This is Melody, a member of Tanya's clan. She knows the two of us and just loves shopping."

"Oh. Pleased to meet you, Melody." Bella held out a hand to Edward, who backed away nervously.

"Is something wrong, Melody?" I asked teasingly. She growled.

"Shut it, Alice."

"Bella, maybe you should know that this is actually-" Rose started to talk, but Edward cut her off.

"SHUT IT!"

"Edward," I finished. Bella stared at all three of us for a long time.

"Are you serious?" she asked, obviously considering having us committed.

"Dead serious," Edward muttered, eyeing Bella.

"Edward? No way! That's hilarious!" She was bent over laughing. Edward ground her teeth, looking like she wanted to kill someone.

"Are you _serious?! _That doesn't bother you at all?!" she finally yelled.

"No, because I know it's not permanent. Wow, I've never heard of anything this hilarious before!"

"I for one see nothing funny about it," she muttered.

"Edward… shall I say hurt our cars, and so we decided this was the best way to get back at him… her…" I said through my giggles.

"Dang, Alice! That's both cruel and excellent! What does _she _have to do to be returned to normal?"

"We already gave her a makeover. All she has to do now is shop. All day."

"That's great! Can I come?"

"Definitely. Just remember, call her Melody, not Edward. Okay?" Rose said.

"Got it! Let's go, _Melody_."

She growled and followed us through the racks of clothing sullenly.


	5. Mike and the Shoes

**A/N: Again, thank god I don't own this. And again, this chapter is dedicated to all you reviewers! I love that growing number of reviews! This chapter is specifically dedicated to my crazy BFF, who encouraged me to write this story. She was right after all, it came out fairly popular! It is also dedicated to ****briiittx xch and Kyori Uchiha of the Sand. They both suggested having Mike hit on Edward/Melody, so here it is!**

Edward began to get extremely hyper not five minutes into the shopping. Bella watched wide-eyed as she jumped from rack to rack, picking out tons of pink articles of clothing, all of which were very cute, if I do say so myself.

"Wow, I never would've thought a hyper Edward was even possible. Amazing things happen when your vampire family magically turns you into a female," she mumbled.

"I know. It's the best thing that has _ever _happened to me," Rose agreed. Edward was too far gone to notice us.

"Do you think we should stop her from trying on the whole friggin' store?" I asked cautiously. I was actually beginning to worry.

"No way. This just means more teasing and humiliation for her later," Rose said defensively.

"You're right. But if she tries to kill anyone over a pair of shoes, I'm drawing the line," I mumbled.

"You're one to talk," Bella pointed out.

"Once! They were one-of-a-kind, Bella! _One. Of. A. Kind!"_

"Calm down, Alice. We all know that you're willing to kill innocent bystanders in the name of fashion. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Rose said jokingly.

"I hope you were serious, Rose," I muttered.

They both stared at me with slightly scared expressions on their faces. "Do you think we should have her committed?" Bella asked quietly. Rose giggled. I just glared at them.

"I haven't killed for a long time, so I don't suggest that you put it past me to change that right now!" I said threateningly. They backed away, hands raised in defense.

There was a crash from behind us. We all spun around in time to see Edward and Mike fighting over a pair of pink ballet flats.

"Give me them or suffer the consequences!" Mike screamed.

"You gay idiot! I'll kill you if you don't give me the shoes in five seconds!"

She then started counting down. I looked skeptically at Bella and Rose, who were rolling their eyes. "Should we stop them?"

"No, I for one would like to see Melody murder Mike," Bella said.

"I never would have thought of you as the kind of person who would willingly watch someone being killed over a pair of shoes," Rose said, eyes narrowed.

"I'm not. Usually. But if Mike was dead, he wouldn't be able to bother me anymore. Whatever it takes, I guess," she replied with a shrug.

The screaming stopped momentarily. We turned to see Mike kissing Edward on the lips. She pulled away gagging. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

"Don't be angry, darling," Mike pleaded. Edward looked like she wanted someone to kill Mike then and there.

"You. Are. So. Dead!" she screamed. I turned to see Bella and Rose's reactions. Bella was on the ground, laughing so hard that she couldn't breathe. Tears streamed down her face. Rose was leaning against a rack of clothing, laughing so hard that it was impossible for her to talk.

I realized I was in a similar position when I tried to talk and all that I managed was a strangled, "Mike… kissed…."

Edward turned to glare daggers at us. Mike handed her the shoes. "You can have these if it makes you feel better," he said in a voice I assumed was meant to be alluring.

All Edward did was growl. Mike backed away slowly. "If you touch me again, I will rip your arm off, you pathetic twerp," Edward hissed before stalking over to us, still glaring at a disappointed Mike.

"Next time anyone does something like that, do I have permission to kill them?"

We couldn't answer. We were laughing too hard.


	6. Mike The Crossdresser and the Gun

We shopped for about ten minutes longer until Edward, carrying a huge mound of clothes, headed for the dressing rooms

We shopped for about ten minutes longer until Edward, carrying a huge mound of clothes, headed for the dressing rooms. The many outfits that followed were probably the most entertaining thing anyone ever saw. As it was, several people thought that the bronze-haired girl over there had gone entirely mad. Or had won the lottery.

"I can't believe some of the thoughts going through peoples' minds right now," she giggled when she was done with the first fifty outfits. "Do I really look insane?"

"Um… well…" Bella giggled.

"Kinda sorta…" Rose admitted.

"Maybe…" I sighed.

"I don't care! I love shopping!" she screamed, jumping up and down and clapping her hands.

"Um… are you on drugs or something?" Bella asked cautiously.

"Well, I tried some once…. But they were gross. And they don't even work!"

"Hugs, not drugs, Melody," she warned.

"Whatever. I like drugs, not hugs!"

Mike popped out from behind a clothing rack wearing a blue, glittery prom dress. "I'll give you drugs if you want!" And then he hugged Edward, who ran over to a police officer, grabbed a gun, and pointed it at Mike's head.

"Get. Away. From. Me."

"You know you love me and my hot dress," Mike said in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Dude, you're a cross dresser. There is _no way _in _hell_ that I would go out with you!" she screamed heatedly. By now half the store was staring at us. Some people were taking pictures.

"But… chicks dig this dress," Mike blubbered.

"Trust me, they don't," Edward hissed.

I noticed that the police officer wasn't doing anything to stop Edward from shooting Mike. He actually had a container of popcorn in his hand and was watching the fight with a huge grin plastered on his face. "Hey, girl. You should really shoot that boy now. No one's stoppin' ya."

"Thank you, officer. But to avoid messing up my outfit or getting kicked out of the store, I think I'm going to have to pass," Edward said sweetly.

"Well then, can I offer you lunch out?" Oh my god, was the police officer flirting with a seventeen year old girl? And to make it weirder, he was trying to flirt with one who was holding a gun to the head of an innocent-well, it looked that way to most people-bystander.

"Don't make me shoot you, sir," Edward said solemnly. The officer flinched and took his gun, walking away dazedly. The crowd slowly dispersed. Mike was still standing there, blubbering like an idiot.

"It's okay, Mike. So you'll never get a girl; that's okay. You're really not the type of guy that any female should have the misfortune of knowing," I said encouragingly.

"Do… do you really mean that?" Mike asked with a big smile on his face. How was that a good thing?

"Yes, I do. Now run along. I know a great store where you can buy yourself some hot pink lipstick at a great price."

"You do?! Where!? Where!? I _must _know!" he screamed.

"Er… please try not to give yourself a migraine. It's called Newton's Accessories for Cross-Dressers and Gay People. It's just the place for you."

"Thank you so much, Alice!" he screamed, looking like the happiest person alive.

"Okay, just… leave. Your presence disgusts me."

"Okay!" he yelped, running full-speed out of the store.

"Ugh. If I ever see him again, I'll be forced to crush his skull in," Edward said, gagging.

"Go ahead. No one will stop you," Bella encouraged.

**A/N: I still own nothing. Thank goodness, right? Think of the havoc I could wreak if I owned this. Ha ha. This chapter is dedicated to sane people everywhere, in the hopes that they will read this and lose their minds. :)**


	7. Announcement

A/N: Hey, it's been forever since I updated

**A/N: Hey, it's been forever since I updated! So here, I totally owe you guys this! Please don't kill me for taking so long. It's not nice to kill. Oh, oh, and review! –thumbs up-**

**EPOV: **I stalked through the crowded mall, my captors following me with big grins plastered on their faces.

"How mad will she be, though? I mean, that's just cruel. Blasphemy in her eyes," Bella whispered.

I spun around. "What?!"

"Edward," Alice said carefully. All three backed away, as if they were afraid that I was going to hurt them. This was going to be bad. But then, at least they were using my real name. Hopefully no one had heard that, though. It would raise questions I didn't want answered. "We decided not to change you back until you do one little thing for us."

"YOU _WHAT??_" I screamed.

"Sheesh, calm down. It's not that bad."

"You're both blocking you thoughts. It's obviously worse than you'll be telling me," I accused Alice and Rose. They blinked innocently.

"We just want you to enter a fashion show. It's no big thing. Just a few rounds. It's happening today. Here. The whole family's here to watch," Rose said with a smirk.

"You… what… but… I… can't…" I hissed, struggling to speak through the stunned fury. My family was _way _too overprotective of their cars. Apparently, they hated me. And Bella… well, I still loved her. So maybe I was lesbian. I regretted nothing.

"Damn well you can," Emmet boomed from behind me. I spun around, hissing furiously. He laughed. I eyed a jewelry stand beside me, wondering how weird it would look to passersby if I picked it up and threw it at my idiot of a brother.

"You fucking-"

"Ed- Melody! Watch your language! Just because you're a female doesn't give you the right to curse at your brothers!" Esme growled at me.

"What if they deserve it?" I asked, glaring daggers at the two idiots in front of me, who were now laughing their heads off at Esme's snide little comment.

"You're the one who deserves it, bro. You killed Rose number two. That is inexcusable," Emmet shot back.

"Rose number two?" I asked in a tone that questioned his sanity.

"My jeep," he clarified.

I giggled. "That has to be the dumbest name for a vehicle in the history of-"

"Oh, yeah? What do you call yours?"

"Uh, well, that's not really important…" I mumbled.

"I call mine Edward number two," Bella said, glaring at me. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"Uh, no. Actually, I, like, call mine Bella number two." I played with my long hair and eyed the ground. I was slightly disgusted by the fact that I was acting like such a… girl.

"Has she been acting this much like a girl the whole time?" Carlisle asked, looking faintly worried. _However, that might be funny, _he thought. I narrowed my eyes.

"Yeah, why?" Alice said quietly.

"Well, that might just stay with our little friend here for a while after she changes back," he said, grinning now.

I groaned. "You all hate me."

"I don't hate you," sang a high, girly voice from behind me. I spun around. There was Mike again, wearing another prom dress and some new shades of lipstick. The perfume he'd chosen stank to high heaven.

"You little perv!" I screamed, jumping at him. I slapped him over and over again, using just a little-or a lot-more than just human strength. He fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Mike's stalking you?" Emmet laughed from behind me.

"Yes. Don't make me give you the same treatment I gave him. You'll regret it. I can do much worse than just hurting your precious car."

"Not my weights…?" He looked terrified.

"Yes, Emmet. You're weights. Be afraid. Be very afraid."

**A/N: I own nothing. And sorry about the language, it just sorta slipped out…. Anyway, I know this chappie's not the best. I'm just using it to show you all that I haven't given up on this fic. Review, and I'll update! –hint hint-**


	8. Planning

A/N: Okay, I know it's been a long while since I updated

**A/N: Okay, I know it's been a long while since I updated. In fact, if not for an e-mailed death threat from my good friend who's been giving me anonymous reviews (she goes by Tinker Bell), I still wouldn't have updated. Dedication? Yeah, it's to her. Lolz, so here it is: the next chapter.**

**RPOV: **"Okay, so here's the plan," I whispered to the rest of the family. We'd managed to distract Edward by showing her a shop that sold nothing but purses. I had a feeling he was going to have a man purse when this was over. "She won't even have to try to make it to the last round. So when she's about to walk on the stage, we'll change her back. _He'll _run onto the stage and totally make a fool of himself. It'll be rich."

Everyone else looked stunned before they burst into wild fits of laughter. I folded my arms across my chest and smiled.

"Omigod! Look at what I found! A totally awesome man purse for when I'm changed back, and about a million other totally fabulous purses for right now!" a familiar voice squealed behind us.

We turned to see Edward jumping up and down excitedly like a human on caffeine. And sugar. Sorta like the author of this fanfic. Anyway, Alice ran out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her in the direction of the fashion show.

"Aw, do we have to go right _now? _I'm not done shopping!"

"Too bad. We can't wait any longer for the show we're about to see," Alice said, grinning.

"Sure, I guess. But only if I get to keep shopping after this."

"Oh, you can shop as much as you want after this if you cooperate. We'll wait till after you're done to change you back," Carlisle said, laughing. We all knew that wasn't going to happen. This was going to be the best thing I'd seen in almost a hundred years.

**A/N: I know, I'm stalling the actual show, but at least I updated! Tink, no killing! –glares- Lolz, the next chappie is undoubtedly going to be the fashion show! And it also involves Jacob. Mutt haters, you'll enjoy this! It's gonna be really fun! Sorry about the shortness of this chappie! Oh, and after this fic, I've officially decided to do a sequel. This time, it'll be Jacob as a girl. Oh, the evilness of it all.**


	9. Fashion Show

A/N: I know, I know

**A/N: I know, I know. No updates for ages, blah, blah, blah. No, I really am sorry about that, but you know by now that I'm not the quickest at updating. More like I never effin' update, and meh BFF's have to give me death threats to get me to update. So thank my BFF's.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing; I just twist things to my sick will. **

**EPOV: **I grinned. What an easy competition. I was sooo winning. What losers. I mean, gosh, I'm much prettier than any of these other girls. A blind man could see that. I still had no idea why my being in this competition was so unbelievably funny to my family. But I could hear their thoughts.

_This is going to be so good. I'll never let him live this down. _–Emmett. Just ignore the mean man, Edward. Just ignore him.

_Wow, her emotions are frighteningly girly right now. Perfect. _–Jasper. Huh? Perfect for what? Oh, probably nothing.

_Edward, ignore their thoughts. Just listen to the nice music in my head. _–Alice, who was repeating Hilary Duff songs over and over again in her head. Was she trying to distract me? No. Why would she do that? She was just letting me enjoy some classic music.

_Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Edward, stop listening to my thoughts!! _–Carlisle. He never was that great at blocking his thoughts.

_Don't kill me when this is over, son… um, daughter… ugh, this is confusing. Just don't hurt me. _–Esme. Why would I hurt her? Well, yes, when my mind was normal, I would be looking for some serious revenge, but wtf?

_I'm an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl. Sad I have it, I should fag it. Acne everywhere, unwanted facial hair. I'm a relation to Frankenstein's creation. _–Rose, who then realized I was listening to her. _Ugh, I'm blocking my thoughts from you. NO COMMENT, got it?? I just listened to that song, so it's all I could think of. _I struggled to contain my laughter.

What were they hiding from me? I thought for a moment, and then it all snapped into place with a burst of intuition.

THEY WERE GONNA THROW ME A PARTY WHEN I WON!!

Aw, that was nice of them.

I slipped into my new bikini. For some reason, Alice and Rose had tried to find me the most revealing, girly one they could. Huh. Okay. Well, I had no complaints.

_Ohhh, who's that dude over there in the prom dress? His perfume smells delectable. _

Jacob? What the hell? Was he talking about Mike? Wow, that was creepy and wrong on so many levels. Wronger than my little… situation. Well, maybe not. A guy turning into a girl is probably as wrong as it gets.

"And next up, the beautiful Melody!"

Oh yyesss!! My turn!!

I danced onto the runway, smiling. I could be a model. My family exchanged some strange, confusing glances. Alice grinned. She was having a vision that really disturbed me. Jacob had just imprinted on Mike.

And me.

Suddenly, I felt very strange. Oh well, I thought, continuing to walk down the runway. I had to focus on winning this. Later, I could kill Jake.

My family, for some reason, was rolling around on the ground, giggling and laughing. Come to think of it, so was everyone else in the building.

I looked down at myself.

And froze.

OH SHIT.

**A/N: Kinda a cliffy. Hey, but I updated, didn't I? Oh, the song, as I'm sure you know, is the Ugly Girl Parody by Weird Al. Go listen to it. It's funny, and I don't own it. Consider that a disclaimer. Yes, if you've read my Geico story, you now know that I'm obsessed with Weird Al. If you haven't go read it!! NOW!! –threatening- Well, review, and you may get an update by the end of the year. That was a joke. I think. Tink, I repeat. NO KILLING.**


	10. Why Me?

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my pushy friends, who wouldn't stop calling my cell until I updated. Pests. I kill you, guys. Anyway, since I'm being forced into this, I may as well have some fun with it. I know it's been a millennium since I've updated, what with the release of Breaking Dawn and whatnot. I don't know if I totally verified this before, and am too lazy to check, but I'm one hundred and ten percent positive I'm going to make several sequels, or at least one. First shall be Jacob. Okay, well, now that that's over with, let's move on to the fun part!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. At all. No money is being made from this, no copyright infringement intended, blah, blah, blah.**

**EPOV: **Oh god, oh god, oh god, I thought. How could I not see this coming? That really only proves the theory we guys have that all girls are total airheads, but me? I can't believe this. Why me?

Almost immediately, a tidal wave of thoughts –some more obscene than others—engulfed my mind, paralyzing me in place on the runway.

_Mike: Um, wow. Just wow, Edward is hot. Aw, but look at that big, buff dude over there. Isn't he, like, an Indian? That's schmexy…. And look, he's eyeballing me. So's Eddie-kins… but that looks more like a death-glare…._

_Jessica: Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow._

_Lauren: -faints-_

_Both Male Judges: Ten points!_

_Jacob: Woah. Dazzling. Ugh, that's a bloodsucker, Jacob. And the other dude's a freaking crossdresser! Just walk away…._

_Random Twihard: Oh. My. Effing. God. It's EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN!! And better yet, in a bikini!! Wait… why? Am I in a fanfiction? If I am, I guarantee the person writing this that she is sssoooooo dead when I get free for doing that to Edward._

Huh?

_Eric, walking past at just the wrong moment: Wow, what a freak. Wait a minute… is that… OH MY GOD!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!_

_Tyler: I think I just entered the Twilight Zone._

_Mr. Banner: Lalalalalala… this dress is fantabulous! It like, so totally brings out my fantabulous eyes! It even matches, my, like, eyeshadow! –stops- Ohmygod, it's Cullen!_

_The Volturi: …wtf?_

_Every Other Known Vampire: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm so glad I came when Alice called!_

"Alice…" I said, slowly and carefully. "You're so dead."

She didn't even hear or understand me. She, Bella, and the rest of my family, were all too busy rocking back and forth on the floor, incoherent and incapable of breathing.

I snarled, glaring at Jacob, who was staring at Mike and I, and stomped over to my family.

"If you value your weights, your bed, or any of your other valuables, Emmett, you'll do exactly as I say. Alice, if you value your clothes, credit cards, makeup, shoes, et cetera, you'll do the same. Rosalie, you too, for all the same reasons as Alice, as well as your hair and every object capable of giving a reflection within a one hundred thousand mile radius. Jasper, you wouldn't want Alice to be upset, would you? Carlisle, every hospital on the planet. Esme, every Lowes, Home Depot, et cetera in the state. Bella, I'd be sad if you didn't help me."

Their eyes widened. I growled in response.

"You know, it's kind of hard to take you serious when you're dressed in a-" Emmett began. I cut him off.

"Outside. In the Porsche. Now."

They didn't need to be told twice.

**A/N: I know, kinda weak. I'm sorry! I'll need at least one review before I update. That shouldn't be so hard, right? Hope not. Well, the end is drawing near. The next chapter is the last one, as long as a bloopers chapter afterwards. At least, that's my plan. Alright, well, push the blue button, and your life will be filled with unicorns and butterflies-that's a good thing.**


	11. Pointless Chapter: Plans Ruined

**A/N: Oh my gosh, like, check it out! I'm updating less than twenty-four hours after my last update! Yay for me! This chapter is dedicated to all of my reviewers **_**except for Kix and Tink.**_** Screw the both of you! It was a good chapter! Especially you, Kix! Watch your back at school tomorrow! Alright, now, as I was saying, yay for me and my more frequent updating! This is probably the last chapter (except for the bloopers) unless I end up writing it differently. And yes, Kix, Tink, it's going to be a short chapter. So shoot me. –sticks out tongue-**

**EPOV: **I stomped out to the Porsche, towing my family behind me. I sat in the driver's seat and glared out the window until everyone was in the car.

"Edward, where are you taking us?" Carlisle asked, his voice shaking.

"Shut up."

Jasper whimpered.

Emmett grinned. "Okay, Melody."

I hissed, my eyes flickering to black in the rearview mirror as I spun to face him. "Shut. Up."

He raised his arms in defense. "I said okay, Melody."

I snarled and jumped at him, my hands wrapped around his neck as I banged his head again and again against the cement outside the car. People walking by stopped and stared at me. I glared at them, flashing my shiny teeth.

After several minutes of this, I let Emmett up and stalked around the edge of the Emmett-shaped crater in the pavement to the driver's seat.

I started the car and careened out of the parking lot, squishing Mike in the process.

"God damn it," I snarled, my hands tightening on the steering wheel.

"Edward, language!" Esme chastised me at the same time that Bella cheered, screaming, "yay, you killed Mike!"

"Esme, kindly shut up, or the house will be reduced to a pile of ashes. Bella, I'm glad you're so happy, but STFU." **(See, it doesn't count as bad language if I use chat speak to express it.)**

They both sulked while I snarled, "I was supposed to leave him alive for my plan to work. Now I guess I'll have to change all of my evil plans."

Rosalie laughed venomously. "Ha ha."

I changed the direction I'd been heading in immediately, instead mowing down a good amount of forest on my way to our house.

"Stay in here," I instructed flatly as I stalked into the house, only to reemerge with a weed whacker.

"Rosalie, get out here."

She stayed in place, so Jasper and Alice helped shove her out the window of Alice's ruined Porsche, which was looking considerably worse than it had before. "Emmett, hold her down."

"Emmett, if you listen to him, I'll personally blow up each and every one of your prized possessions," Rosalie threatened.

"And if you don't, I will," I added.

He looked torn, and then got a vacant look on his face. "Coconuts," he mumbled before walking up to her and holding her down. It took about an hour to shave her head, since her hair was as sturdy as the rest of her. But eventually the weed whacker won the battle.

She shrieked and flew up the stairs. I ran up after her, fearing for my CD collection.

As it turned out, there was no need, instead, she burned all of my clothes and replaced them with bikinis, prom dresses, thongs, et cetera in a matter of seconds. I screamed in horror.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

My family burst out laughing when they saw my new wardrobe.

"I am not a crossdresser!"

**A/N: Guess what? The end. But not quite. There will, in fact, be another chapter after this. I changed my mind while writing this. So review at least once, and I'll update immediately.**


	12. Explosions and the Failed Evil Plot

**A/N: Okay, lessee, how long has it been since I updated? LONG TIME. Sorry! *hides behind a conveniently placed elephant* Don't hurt me! I have had a bit of a decrease in interest in Twilight, but it still holds a special place in my heart. So I will keep writing on my Twilight stories until they are all done. But I shudder at the writing style of some of them. And the errors. Okay, I do remember noticing this mistake a while ago, but when Edward, Rose, and Alice take the car to the mall… I said nothing about it being totally destroyed… so please forgive me on that one. ^^* So, looks like I promised one more chapter, and a sequel. Guess I should give it a shot, but please no flame me if it's not great, okay? Because now I write InuYasha fics. SORRY, SORRY. ^^***

* * *

Edward, now dressed like a drag queen, drove the ice cream truck in the general direction of La Push, mowing down entire sections of forest and hitting Mike.

Bella, who was tied up in the back of the ice cream truck (Who knows where the truck came from.) with the rest of Edward's family and a few random fangirls, jumped up and hopped to the window, nearly tripping on and murdering a few team Jacob girls lying on the floor eating dog food **(A/N: I couldn't help myself.)**. "Was that Mike…?"

Edward's head rotated around to face Bella, though the rest of him didn't turn, just like in the Excorcist.

"Of course it was." His teeth were all pointy.

Bella blinked and backed away from the demented vampire. "Um, isn't he supposed to be dead?"

"Of course he is. I just hit him."

"No, I mean, he… in the parking lot… you… hit… still alive… not possible…." Bella started spazzing out. "Mike… zombie… too… many… supernatural… beings… going… to… explode…"

And she did.

The fangirls, too, exploded, as they were not meant to really be in the Twilight world.

Edward's head rotated creepily back to its original position.

Rosalie screamed. "I have fangirl guts, and, even worse, Bella guts, in my hair!"

"Rose, you have no hair," Jasper pointed out helpfully, earning a dent in his skull.

"I do now, it's a Hannah Montana wig!"

Edward laughed maniacally, turning up the radio full blast to something that sounded like dying cats, which most likely meant that it was either Hannah Montana or someone really was killing cats on the radio. "I LOVE HANNAH MONTANA!!!!!!"

"Um, Edward, honey, that's cats being murdered on the radio…" Esme said timidly.

"Silence, imbeciles! It sounds as good as Hannah Montana, and since my dear Bella just exploded, I'm going to be Hannah's new vampire boyfriend!"

All the Bella guts reformed into Bella. "Excuse me?"

"Bella, haha, um… how are you still alive?"

Bella just glared at him, and then she looked around at the rest of the family.

"Shall we?"

Everyone smiled, and Emmett cheered. "I say this time it lasts a couple hundred years!"

Poof, in a cloud of smoke (Huh, that was new. Last time it worked different.), Edward was, once again, a girl.

She screamed. "Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Now I shall never turn Jacob into a girl and kill the whole town by making her walk around in a bikini!"

"That was your brilliant evil plan?" Bella asked incredulously.

"Haha, this time, you have to win America's Next Top Model to go back to normal," Rosalie giggled.

Melody exploded.

_Fin._

* * *

**Okay, that was really crack-fic-y, and surprisingly fun to write. ;D Well, I can no longer completely promise a sequel, but we'll just see. If I am not flamed too much and I get bored, maybe. :) I hereby name this story completed.**


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